Movie Marketing for Dummies

How does one market a movie that is being released in the early months of the year, traditionally a dumping ground for lousy films? Well, if that movie is The Eye, you send Jessica Alba on The Late Show and have her set up this clip that prominently features her (or, as was revealed after the clip, her body double) stepping out of the shower and pulling on a pair of panties, with some heavy pixelization added to obscure the naughtier bits of her anatomy. I have to admit, there's no better way to tell your potential audience, "OK, so this is yet another generic J-horror remake, complete with a The [One-Syllable Noun] title, but it's got nakedness!!!"

Even so, I'd rather see this at the top of the box office than Meet the Spartans.

An Important Lesson for Musicians

Hi there, Sebastian Bach and Ghostface Killah! I know you two have been very upset about your low ratio of record sales to MySpace friends, and I have some sad news to tell you: people who made friends with you online by clicking a link are not, typically, real friends or hardcore fans of your music. It's disillusioning, I know, but if you guys come to terms with this, I promise I'll be completely trusting when you tell me that Philly is your favorite town to play and that this particular audience is the best audience you've had on this tour.

The Sorts of Things I Notice

Sorry, Netflix; not only am I not interested in any of these movies, but I think you're just recommending things based on the design of their posters.

Why Do I Read Movie Reviews Again?

Dear Steven Rea,

You certainly have more of a right to claim the title of Film Critic than I do, so I won't presume to tell you how to do your job. However, I can't help but think that when you are reviewing a monster movie that has been very careful not to reveal what the monster is, it may be bad form to describe said monster in the second friggin' paragraph of your review. Some of us like to be surprised.

Kind regards,
Andrew

P.S. - Jerk.

Launch an NHTSA Investigation

I sometimes wonder how many car accidents are caused by people who remove their hands from the steering wheel so that they can clap along to Hall and Oates.

Pat Oliphant Needs to Retire

I'm no fan of Hillary Clinton, but if this sort of sexist drivel keeps up much longer, I may have no choice but to max out my contributions and join her campaign.

Hang it up, Oliphant. The newspapers could always run this guy instead; he seems to have the same nuanced approach to current events.

Life Imitates Webcomics

Are you and your significant other one of those disgusting couples who can lie in bed for, like, hours just holding each other and looking into each other's eyes and not having to say a word? Then you might do well to invest in a love mattress, which is designed to avoid having your arm fall asleep while engaged in the aforementioned snuggling.

I'm saving my money for the version with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.