Things I Learned From Al Taubenberger's New Ad

Hey, did you know that there is a mayoral election in Philadelphia this week? It's true! Of course, the election has about as much suspense as a Globetrotters vs. Generals matchup, so neither side is wasting much money on advertising. I've seen one commercial for Democrat Michael Nutter (his plea: "Help me run up the score to send a message to Bush and Cheney, I guess.") and was shocked to see Republican opponent Al Taubenberger buying airtime as well. Since the ad in question is the most information I've ever gotten about Mr. Taubenberger, let's analyze why he is the superior candidate:

1. He's got cool retro movie-serial music and narration!
2. He's from the Northeast!
3. He's a super-nice guy!
4. White people love him!
5. Did they already say he's from the Northeast?
6. The girl wearing (literal) beer-googles can relate to him!
7. Jesus, it's like an unending parade of white people.
8. He's the underdog! (Actually, I think the socialist worker candidate is probably the real underdog in this race)
9. It looks like Al himself is white! Uh...not that that should influence your vote or anything.
10. He's "America's Favorite Underdog!" Which doesn't sound right, really. I doubt he's even Philadelphia's favorite underdog, even if you exclude fictional boxers and real-life sports teams.
11. Plus, there's the whole Northeast thing. Yeah, this guy's toast.