Here's Your Fortune: "You Will Soon Be Crossing the Great Waters"

If you're reading it literally, this fortune cookie is telling me that in the near future I will be embarking on a transoceanic voyage. If you're reading it as a metaphor, it sure sounds like I'll be dead soon (and if that's the case, those smiley faces bookending the prophecy of my doom are pretty damn morbid). Also, this fortune makes no more sense when you add "in bed" to the end of it. Am I crossing the great waters in a bed, like the caulked-up wagon in The Oregon Trail? Or are the great waters in the bed itself? If so, ew.

Of course, it's some comfort (or perhaps not) that no matter what bizarre, hilarious, or profound fortune came in your cookie, there were many other people who got the same slip of paper after their meals. After all, a Google search for my creepy fortune turns up 2,200 hits, and those are just the internet-savvy people who thought it was worth their time to write about.

If everyone else is doing it, though, I might as well join in. Think of this as the blogging equivalent of Chinese takeout: quick and requiring no preparation, but with very little nutritional content and likely to leave you unsatisfied an hour later.